I haven’t written as much as I have in the past, at least not here. I have been actively learning Spanish for almost two years through Duolingo. Am I fluent? No. Am I close? Not really. Is it a race, of course not. There are many reasons I feel the need to write. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t know how to process it.

I’ve been physically ill since November with an unknown acute respiratory issue. I’ve been to my primary, the nurse, and this past weekend twice to the ER and back to my PCP. I’ve been tested and retested for the flu, RSV, strep, COVID-19, and other respiratory viruses or infections. I’ve had a CAT scan, chest x-ray, and blood and urine. I’ve been on prednisone three times. Once, in November, I took it along with doxycycline thinking after visiting an urgent care that it was bronchitis. In December, they put me back on prednisone. They hoped it would help with the unknown issue. This issue was also causing fluid in my right ear. Now they put me on it again, explaining it was a virus.

The pain in my throat and ears returned which prompted me to go to the ER this past Friday. I understand I’m no doctor. I have tried many things to treat myself for whatever ails me. I’ve used hot tea with manuka honey, Vapocool severe cough drops, and Mucinex. I’ve had an unknown quantity of grapefruit juice and eaten oranges. I took extra vitamins. I’ve also consumed soups, drank water, and rested. But I have spoken with the doctors and nurses in my care and gone to urgent care, ER… I’m frustrated, exhausted, and trying to figure out how I can get healthier and get rid of this. I’m not giving up. It hasn’t been easy and I don’t think it will be easy anytime soon.

There’s something else going on in my life that I have a lot of feelings about. My Grandmother has been not in the best of health for a while. A couple years back she spent many months in the hospital. She had multiple surgeries. We all waited and prayed for her to pull through. There are many details that I can’t share here. She’s been back in the hospital, and it has caused a lot of feelings to return. I’m not prepared to deal with these emotions.

She’s the only grandparent I have left. I know we all experience the shrinking of the family tree and friends. One day, we’re facing our own demise. But it has me doing a lot of thinking. Maybe it’s because I have listened to countless stories from many family members throughout the years. I have recorded them or documented them and researched them.

I want to safely visit. I don’t want to make anyone get sick with whatever it is that I have. It’s hard to quarantine when you don’t know what exactly it is that you have. Then there’s the matter of travel itself, airplane, driving? How many people will I come in contact with? How many other rogue bugs will mutate whatever it is that I have? I’m trying to put a rush on identifying the issue. I want to tackle it aside from the UTI and unknown respiratory virus. I need to figure out what infection I have so that I won’t endanger anyone. But I struggle with that as well. Yes, there are masks. You can quarantine in a motel, hotel, or bedroom. But when you’re not trying to get in a wee bit of time, how much time is there?

So many questions and not enough answers. But for tonight, I’m going to take a wee bit of cough syrup. I will try to get more sleep. I need it because the cough is more pronounced again. There’s also pain in my throat. Rest is exactly one thing I know I need. But I will be back here soon to continue my writing. Maybe someone will decide to read my dribble. They can be able to talk me through some of their opinions about what they think. Everyone has an opinion. This doesn’t mean they’re all right or wrong. Maybe, just maybe, it can give them a different idea.